my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
