I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
