I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
