Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
