If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
