i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
