Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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