i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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