I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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