hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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