are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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