My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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