thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
