Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
