I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
