i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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