So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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