he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
