Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
