dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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