I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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