I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
