Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
