Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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