the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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