If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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