my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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