Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
