6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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