woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
