You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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