He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
