Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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