peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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