You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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