Got a toothbrush?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
