Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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