Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
