do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this is an emotional support booty call
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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