Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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