my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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