Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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