I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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