Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
