So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
