he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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