my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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