Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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