this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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