"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
