Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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