I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
