fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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