so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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